Change and transition are not the same thing

William Bridges, a psychologist who spent decades studying how people move through change, made a distinction that is worth holding onto. Change is the external, situational event such as a new job, a relocation, a breakup. Transition, on the other hand, is the internal psychological process of coming to terms with what that change means. And transition always begins with an ending.

This sounds paradoxical. But even the most welcome change involves letting go of something, whether it is a role, a routine, a relationship, or even a version of yourself that made sense in the context. It may be the employee who now needs to let go of the identity they have built around a company they just left. Or someone who has to change their routines due to a recent relocation.

Acknowledging what is ending, even when the change itself is positive, is not being negative. Rather, it is the beginning of actually moving through the transition instead of around it.

The in-between is the hardest part

After the ending and before the new beginning, there is what Bridges called the neutral zone. It is the period where the old chapter has closed but the new one is not fully known. Where old routines no longer apply and the new ones have not yet taken shape. Where the question of who you are sits a little more open than usual. Sometimes it is in this in-between that people start to question their capabilities or self-worth.

This is the most disorienting part of any transition, and may also be the most under-acknowledged. People are expected to adapt, to move forward, to get on with the changes. A person starting a new job opportunity but realising the struggle to keep up with the new systems and timelines. A new parent learning the ropes of caregiving. The neutral zone does not have a clear timeline, and often, it does not respond well to being rushed.

It is also worth naming that not all transitions feel the same. Some carry genuine excitement and anticipation. Others carry grief and uncertainty. Many carry both simultaneously, like a "mish mash" of looking forward while carrying trepidation about what the future holds. Feeling contradictory things during a transition can feel confusing, yet it may be more common than expected.

The transitions nobody talks about

The most visible transitions have names and rituals. A graduation. A wedding. A promotion. A farewell party. A passing of a loved one. These transitions are acknowledged by the people around us, which makes them easier to process, even if the transition process can feel heavy.

But some other transitions are quieter. Less named and less socially acknowledged.

Friendships that change as people move into different life stages. The friend who becomes a parent while you have not. The peer who was promoted to be your direct superior. The relationship is technically still intact but has quietly shifted in depth or frequency. There is no clear moment of ending in these transitions, and no obvious permission to grieve them. We may have learnt to say "this is just a normal part of life. People grow and change."

Which is true. And yet the loss that comes with change is real. The fact that something is normal does not make it painless. Which could make navigating these less named transitions more difficult.

What makes transitions harder to navigate

Two things tend to make transitions significantly more difficult, regardless of what kind of transition it is.

The first is when the transition feels outside of a person's control. A job loss that was not chosen. A relationship ending that was not wanted. A life stage that arrived unexpectedly or earlier than expected. When a change feels imposed rather than chosen, the disorientation of the transition is compounded by a sense of helplessness. The person becomes a passive recipient of what is happening rather than an active participant in it.

The second is difficulty with acceptance. When a person is fighting the reality of what has changed at the same time as trying to navigate it, the burden doubles. Acceptance in this sense does not mean approval or liking the change. Neither does it automatically equate to wanting the change or that it was fair. Acceptance means acknowledging that the change has happened, and that the energy being spent resisting what is already true can be redirected toward what comes next.

What tends to help

People who navigate transitions with more ease tend to share a few things in common. They are able, over time, to find some acceptance of the change. This may not happen immediately, and at times it requires processing grief, but eventually, they reach a place of acceptance. And they tend to be able to locate some sense of agency within the transition, even when the transition itself was not chosen, by focusing on how they can move through it and what they build on the other side of that change.

Transitions also tend to be easier when they are not carried alone. Being able to name what is shifting and the struggle with the in-between is itself part of the process of moving through it.

And sometimes, during the in-between phase is precisely when it helps most to have a space to make sense of what is changing, what is being lost, and what might be possible on the other side of it.

This will not last

While the in-between might not have a timeline, it is helpful to remember that it is not a permanent state. However long it lasts, it is a passage, and not a destination.

At The Calming Ark, we work with people who are in the middle of changes they did not choose, or changes they did choose and still find hard, and everything in between. If you are in the in-between and would like support making sense of it, we would be glad to connect.