What feeling lost actually looks like

For some people, it appears after achieving goals. Their promotion came through, the flat is furnished, the relationship is stable, and somewhere underneath the relief, a quiet, unwelcome flatness resides. They start questioning, "I got everything I said I wanted. So why does it feel like I'm not as happy as I thought I would be?"

For others, it may be quite different. Peers seem to be moving forward on a timeline this person cannot locate themselves in, and the feeling is not just being behind, it is not knowing what catching up would even mean, leaving them questioning, "Everyone else seems to know what they're building toward. Why don't I?"

And for a third group of people, they are clear on what matters to them. And at times, there are two things that matter, but these same two important things will not fit into the same life at the same time. They could be torn between the desire to stay close to ageing parents or to take the posting overseas; building a career or being the parent who is home in the evenings; contemplating the mental health break they desperately need against the job that demands all their time in exchange for prestige and financial security. This group recognises that both things in conflict are important to them, yet struggles with how to make a choice, leaving them with a momentary sense of being lost. "I just can't have both. How do I choose?"

Feeling lost isn't a failing. Anyone could experience a sense of feeling lost, and because it is a common human experience, having the tools to know how to navigate life and choices may help in those moments.

The paradox at the centre of it

A lot of us were taught to think of purpose as something you eventually find, a calling, a realisation, a single moment where things click into place. That framing sets up a quiet trap, because if you have not experienced the moment, it can feel like you are doing life wrong, whether or not anything is actually going wrong.

ACT offers a different perspective. In this framework, a value is not a goal you reach or a prize you win once and then keep, it is something you keep doing, choice by choice (Hayes et al., 2006). "Values" simply means the kind of person you want to be and what matters most to you. It could be being present for your kids, being honest, staying close to family. Whatever it is for you, your values are not a finish line to reach, but a direction you keep walking toward. You do not arrive at "being a caring person" the way you arrive at getting your degree. Once you have graduated with a degree, the degree stays with you even if you no longer attend university. However, being a caring person means acting with care moment by moment, and you get to keep choosing that, again, today.

When the direction was never really yours

In Singapore, there seems to be an underlying expectation of what the timeline or direction should look like. PSLE, then the next set of exams, National Service for males, then a degree, then a job, then, for many, marriage, a flat and kids on a fairly predictable timeline. It is not a bad system, and for many it may have worked because there is always a next thing to look forward to and move towards. The trouble tends to surface once the checklist of goals runs out, usually sometime in the late twenties or thirties, right around when a person expects to feel most arrived.

The feeling of being lost shows up whether someone completed that checklist or stepped off it. When the direction was someone else's criteria to begin with, reaching the end of it can leave nothing underneath. Falling behind on it can also leave someone measuring their life against a yardstick they never actually agreed to, which explains why the feeling is not just "behind" but genuinely unclear what they are even meant to be moving toward instead.

Either way, the solution is not a new checklist. It may be about noticing and bringing awareness to what actually moves you and brings you vitality, not just what you were handed.

When you know exactly what you want, just not how to want it all at once

How about the third group who know what matters to them but struggle with making decisions when these things are in conflict? This is the part that gets left out of a lot of purpose-focused advice, because it assumes the problem is always a lack of clarity. Sometimes the opposite is true. You know precisely what you care about. You care about more than one thing, and the struggle arises because those things do not fit together neatly.

This is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Two things can matter to you at once and still pull in different directions, and perhaps, that is not a problem to solve so much as a tension to keep living inside of.

In these moments of inner conflict, values are not prizes you win once and then keep forever. They are something you choose again, and again, in each moment, through what you actually do, but always in service of the larger pattern you are building over time, not just the discomfort in front of you right now. The aim isn't to rank and prioritise these values once and settle it permanently, nor is it to simply pick whatever eases the tension today. Perhaps it is closer to asking, "what would a version of me who holds both these things dear actually do next, in a way I won't regret as much later." Next year, the balance might look different, and that is okay. You are not failing to choose. You are choosing, again and again, in a way that makes room for more than one thing to matter, without quietly abandoning either one.

Why this shows up so much right now, especially here

This is not a small or unusual experience. The National Youth Council's 2024 survey of young people in Singapore found that "future uncertainty" was the single highest-rated stressor among respondents, ahead of the weight of emerging adult responsibilities and ahead of finances (National Youth Council, 2024). The same period saw resilience scores decline compared to a similar survey eight years earlier. Separately, government youth research has found that three in five schooling youths are unsure how to even begin exploring different career paths, and only around one in three young people know what stress support is actually available to them.

None of this is about a group of people who are somehow doing life wrong. It is a widely shared, measurable experience, showing up across a large number of young people regardless of how well or poorly things look from the outside.

What genuinely tends to help

Purpose does not arrive all at once. But living it out can still start small. You could start by noticing what already moves you. What brings you joy and vitality? What you quietly admire in someone else may also reflect something you value in yourself. These are perhaps more reliable clues than waiting for a single moment of clarity.

When two things you care about are genuinely in tension, the aim isn't to crown one value the permanent winner, ACT doesn't ask you to resolve this once and for all. But it also isn't simply about doing whatever feels most pressing right now. What ACT calls committed action is about linking your choices, over time, into a pattern that still honours both values, rather than letting one get sacrificed in a moment of discomfort (Hayes et al., 2006). A more useful question becomes: "does this next step move me toward the life I actually want, considering everything that matters to me?" Sometimes that means choosing the harder, less immediately comfortable option, because it protects something you'd otherwise regret losing sight of.

Let the steps be small. If family is important, then perhaps, a ten-minute conversation with the family member you have been avoiding. If health is important to you, then ensuring you are sleeping, eating or exercising well. Taking those small steps towards the life you envision is how you get to live that life. Direction tends to come back through small, repeated action, not through a single decision made once and settled.

And where you can, be patient with yourself too.

Closing

In the moments when you find yourself feeling lost in life, unsure what the next best step is, remember this: the values that give you direction, in this sense, were never something you were supposed to find once and keep. It is something you keep choosing, in small ways, today and then again tomorrow.

If you are interested in exploring more about values or ACT, reach out to us and we would love to explore that in a session with you.